A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them… grabs some sliced limes and eats them… then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" says the guy. "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite. I’ll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate." He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink andthe monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did?" "What this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures it first!"
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can’t do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can’t do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can’t do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can’t do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I’m drunk."
A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine… "You’re a dumb-looking button!" "You don’t have much of a future, either!" "You’re going to be replaced by a much better looking button!" "I’ve got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!" Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about. "What in the heck are you doing?" her boyfriend asks. The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads… "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".
An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount. When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, "Yes ma’am, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?" The blonde replied, "Nope, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, John! How ya doin’?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. "Oh, no," says John. "He’s on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John."