One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God…"Lord, I have a problem!" "What’s the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What’s a ‘man’, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He’ll also need your advice to think properly. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What’s the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well…. you can have him on one condition." "What’s that, Lord?" "You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice? Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.–Mentally Deficient? Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates? Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn’t get taller girls? Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Finally, after all these years of trying yo-yo diets… phentermine, hoodia, cialis (no wait that’s for erectile dysfunction)… finally some diet tips that actually work. Enjoy feeling better about yourself.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, "Aren’t you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…"
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up? Blonde: No, it’s working fine. Operator: Then what’s the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.